Just small bumps

This week wasn't as stressful as the last one. The only bumps I had to get over this week were giving my second meditation at Youth Group and going to the High School retreat this weekend. My talk on Esther went pretty well. I keep going over so I am desperately trying to cut down my talks, but I'm not sure how to fit everything in that I want to say. It was really cool this last week to see the kids really paying attention to and getting involved in the story when I was telling it. To be fair, Esther is a pretty gripping story and I do my best to be a good story-teller and not pause or stop or mumble, but it was almost like I was looking out at a crowd watching a movie that they were totally into. Afterwards one of the high school girls sought me out to let me know that she really enjoys my talks so far. I guess she thinks they're interesting and likes that I try to break it down into different points. That was really a great moment for me. It really kind of makes me feel better about the whole going into ministry decision. When I was really young I wanted to be a writer and I always thought it was because I was a dork and read all the time, but I think now that it may have been because I love to tell stories.

Right now I'm just hanging out at the church until we leave for the weekend. All week long the rest of the staff has been telling me that they are going to be praying for me. I'm worried, but I'm not all that worried. Mike tried to tell me that my new name was "Jungle-gym" because the kids were going to be all over me (mind you, these are high-schoolers which is a little weird) but I just keep telling him that they're going to get bored when they realize they actually can take me down in under 3 seconds. Hopefully some of my more laid-back personality will rub off on these kids. If not, then hopefully I'll at least get a wicked cool looking scar from all the abuse I'm going to take.

There are times when I really miss Bluffton (ok, so that happens more often than not), but it is experiences like this weekend that make me realize that being in Pittsburgh is a once in a lifetime opportunity...unless they decide to throw money at me and bring me on full time. Mike keeps trying to convince me to come back for summer camp staff, but it would be a significant pay cut from my last two summers, plus I've invested so much of my sweat, blood, and tears into my own camp that it would be a shame to give it up. Who knows what God has in store though. One day at a time, though.

Pray for me this weekend.

Over the mountain

It's been awhile since I've updated, but that's because I feel like I've been trying to climb a mountain of stresses for the past week. This past Wednesday was my first go at giving the meditation for Youth Group. I ended up doing pretty much what I wanted to/have written about previously except I am not going to try to involve the Student Leadership Team. That would have been cool, but I'm not sure there would have been enough commitment from the kids. Plus, I thought that I was supposed to be speaking for 30 minutes, but after I got done with the first one he tells me that I was supposed to keep it around 20. Hey, if the Spirit moves me to ramble for ten more minutes, what's the problem. Anyway, the first talk went really well. The week leading up to it was really hard simply because I wanted to do well so badly that it was seriously all I could think about. I would lay in bed at night just going over how I was going to do this, or how I would say that, or where this part would come in better. It was actually a little unnerving. I spent a lot of time changing, rearranging, adding to, and cutting parts of the meditation right up until I gave it. I think it paid off, though. I was a little nervous about having the High School kids first because they are less apt to pay attention, but they were actually a better audience than the Middle School kids. They responded to my questions, laughed at my jokes, and best of all seemed contemplative when I was being serious. The only comments that Mike had to give me afterward were that it was a little too long, and I said the same thing a few too many times. Other than that, I think he was impressed. Now there's only three more to go.

Once I got that part of my mountain out of my head, I had to face yet another presentation the next day in class. The thing is, I couldn't focus on anything but Moses and the burning bush for the entire last week, so anything about this presentation just got pushed back. I got back from Youth Group on Wednesday night at about 9 and turned a few printed off articles, and a few powerpoint slides I had forced myself to start into a half hour (well, it ended up being too long) presentation by 1 o'clock the next morning. In the end, I thought I did a pretty good job. The assignment was to talk about a dilemma that the organization where we are interning has faced/will face. I chose to talk about what it means to be an intentionally cross-cultural church. I have always been intrigued by this part of Eastminster's vision statement. I wanted my presentation to be anything but usual, so I did my best to shake things up. I even made the class sing some gospel which went over better than I thought it would. I think the presentation lacked real "solutions" to the "dilemma", but I also concluded that there are no easy one-size-fits-all solutions to racial reconciliation within the church. I said at the end, that being intentional has to take on a case-by-case scenario because every congregation is different. A quote I found that I liked talked about how when we present the gospel to other people in their "heart language" we come to realize that our construct of reality is too small, our version of the gospel is incomplete. We cannot experience the fullness of God without understanding the fullness of other people's experiences.

Well, once I got over that hurdle, I decided to take a good long nap because I felt like I deserved it. Friday was pretty stress free. Mike and I took a roadtrip to Sam's Club to pick up snacks for the After School program. Roadtrips are always fun. I'm so thankful that I've been placed at an internship where I can feel comfortable just hanging out with my supervisor. It definitely makes life easier. Once I got back on Friday afternoon it was time to start focusing on the next hurdle. I was asked to fill in for the normal piano player for the praise band on Sunday. I was really nervous in the back of my mind all week simply because the normal guy is amazing, and a lot of the songs we do are completely new styles for me. We got the song list on Wednesday and since then, any chance I got I was trying to make sure I was ready. Then the Saturday morning rehearsal came and it was probably one of the worst musical experiences of my life. From the very first song it just felt like I couldn't do anything right. Even when I felt like I was doing the right thing it just sounded bad to me. I was trying to follow the sheet music Nikki gave me which went right with the CD's I had practiced with, but she didn't tell me that she wasn't going to be following the music and I was just expected to watch her and play the right thing. There were some many times when I wasn't even sure which key we were supposed to be in. And every time we had to stop I just felt like I kept getting looks from everyone like "what are you doing?" I was completely frustrated at Nikki for just expecting me to know what was going on and at myself for not being good enough or not practicing enough even though I felt like I was. The way that rehearsal went, it felt like it sounded like I hadn't practiced at all. I was nearly crying I was so frustrated at one point. I was supposed to stay afterward to observe the Children's choir, but I just had to get out of there. Added on to this was the fact that my parents were on their way and I wanted to show them that I was doing something productive with my life in Pittsburgh and coming to see me fumble through some praise songs didn't really fit that image in my head.

My parents got here that afternoon and I got to forget about all that for awhile. I showed them around the city, we went out for the early bird special (ha!), we visited Mt. Washington to see the lights, and then they headed back to their hotel. I came back and finally found enough resolve to stop being mad and frustrated and start trying to do something about me not being ready to play piano on Sunday. I practiced on the out-of-tune piano in the middle of an entire roomful of screaming kids here for the weekend for about an hour and a half. I had a better idea of what Nikki wanted now, but I still felt like I wasn't actually ready. The next morning I got to the church extra early and practiced even more. As I was sitting there waiting to start the first song during the service, I just decided to give all of it up to God. I didn't care about what Nikki or my parents or the congregation or the band or even myself thought. I just wanted to give my best effort to praise God with everything I had. It was only after that that I felt at peace about the situation and I was able to really play well. Granted, not everything was perfect, but I was giving it my all.

All I had left to do after that was entertain my parents for a few more hours. It was really nice to have a piece of home here for awhile. Even though we didn't really do anything except talk and eat, I was glad they came. I always try to be as happy as I can be where I'm at, so I don't really get homesick, but it's good to know that home gets Mark-sick and needs to visit every once in awhile. Well, like all the presentation I seem to give, this post is entirely too long. I need to go saturate myself in the story of Queen Esther before Wednesday rolls around again.

Making a small difference

Hawa, a 35-year-old mother of three, lives in the Vituka area in the city of Dar es Salaam. She sells both used and new clothes in the Vituka trading center. She also operates a restaurant alongside the shop. She received training in business and entrepreneurship from the Youth Self Employment Foundation, which has helped her expand her business.

Hawa requests a loan of $750 to purchase new and used clothing to sell in her shop.

Today I became a microfinance lender. I first heard about this organization from the speaker at Laurelville last weekend, and ever since then I have just been really intrigued by the entire idea of microfinance. I probably don't actually understand it, but here's what I think I know: People in poor countries cannot get loans from banks because they are high risk, they don't have capital to prove they can pay it back, they've never been to a bank before, etc. What microfinance is, then, is people making small loans to these people with little to no interest. There is a great website, http://www.kiva.org that connects regular people like me with regular people like Hawa Mohamed who have applied, been interviewed, and just need some money to build their business. The great thing about the whole process, though, is that there is only like a 3% chance that I won't get my money back. If I had just donated to charity I wouldn't have any real idea of where the money goes and no chance of getting it back. This way allows me to be actively involved in where I am investing my money, and there is that 97% chance that I will get my money back and be able to either withdraw it, or reinvest in someone else.

Now that I feel like I've totally confused everyone and even maybe myself, I just want to say that even though I feel like I'm over my head in college debt, I believe that God still calls us to give back. Maybe my parents who read this will think that I'm just throwing my money around and completely cut me off and I'll have to live on the street, but really it's just twenty-five dollars. There is a banner hanging up in the Pittsburgh Project that has a slogan that reads "The age of youth was made for heroic service and not for pleasure." As youth, yes I still consider myself slightly a youth, we have all this energy and potential. I want to use everything I have to create the heroic service that is needed in this world. I want to use my hands to do things for those who can't, my heart to love people who think they aren't worthy, my head to speak truth into people's lives that they can't discern themselves, and all of my assests to provide for people who cannot do it themselves. (I realize I was really close to being sued by 4H for stealing their idea, but I'll keep my "health" to myself for now...for those of you who don't understand that, go live in the country for awhile.)

I also want to finish by saying that I don't want to say these things to seem self-righteous, but more so that I can show people what I think is a great chance to make a difference. Maybe I'm wrong, but for now I'll trust that God can and will use my gifts in one way or another.

peace,
mark

The good, the bad, and the muddy

Well, I survived. All in all I'd say it was a really great weekend. There's so much that I've learned and grown from this weekend that I'm not really sure where to begin. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn't what I was used to. I come from a camping/retreat background that's very laid-back, chill out with the kids, and have fun, but Laurelville was a very high energy, going all the time, have fun with the kids experience. As soon as we pulled up, the program staff bombarded our van in costumes and started getting the kids pumped up and passed out candy. Thankfully the entire weekend wasn't steeped with that kind of energy because I'm not so sure I would've made it.

We dropped off the girls and then the guys headed out to find our rooms. It turned out that we had two rooms for 7 kids and two adults. Mike and I both staked out our rooms and let the kids come to us. At first I was really nervous/disappointed because the kids that I actually knew well and talked to all bee-lined straight for Mike's room. It's not that I was jealous, but it just made me nervous because it meant I would have to spend the weekend getting to know new kids. I guess I wanted to be pushed, right? Added on top of this was the fact that the rooms ended up being pretty racially segregated and I ended up with three black kids. Again, noticing this is not coming from a racist standpoint, but from a fact-of-life standpoint. Sure, that's going to make me nervous because I'm not sure how well I am going to be able to relate to these kids.

It turns out, though, that my fears were pretty unfounded. I actually have come to realize that Mike and I really balance each other out. He is the kind of person who is all about getting down and wrestling with the kids and getting them pumped about everything. I am the kind of person who tries to get to know the kids by talking to them and just hanging out. The guys in my room were pretty skeptical of the guys in the other room constantly jumping all over the place and wrestling and throwing the football around. At one point I tried to get my guys to go over and hang out with the other guys because it seemed like they were having all the fun, and they said to me "We're more mature than they are." So, my room was the chill room while Mike had the rough-play room. But then again I'm writing this and thinking that maybe I should have done more to make sure my guys had a good time. Maybe deep down they would have rather been more like the other room and they were really just being a reflection of me and my personality. It goes back to the principle of whether you are going to let yourself be a thermometer or a thermostat. Am I going to set the mood of the room, or just react to it. In the end, I think that like I said we had a good balance. If my guys wanted to go and wrestle around with the other guys they did, and at one point some of Mike's guys came and talked to me about some more serious stuff. And I did get to help Mike take on all 7 guys which was pretty sweet. But then again what happens at Laurelville stays at Laurelville.

The next day was the mud and the football. I tried to tell Mike and the guys that I had absolutely no football skills, but they didn't realize that I was being serious until I tried to catch a pass and it just hit me in the chest and bounced away. But, I played anyway. The counselors had a devotion one morning about trying to make sure the kids have an adventure rather than just a trip. Having an adventure at Laurelville meant getting muddy and playing football, and I was totally prepared to step out of my comfort zone to make sure that happened. When they did finally realize how bad I was, they gave me a quick tutorial on tackling and told me I was restricted to defense. I made one pretty good tackle (always fun to take down middle school kids into the mud) and we ended up winning the championship. I'm pretty excited that I will have a piece of that youth group history for forever.

I think I realized a lot about myself this past weekend even though I was there for the kids. Through coming to understand the balance that Mike and I had throughout the "adventure" my eyes were opened to the fact that I simply can't do it all by myself. I think that sometimes I try to use my introverted-ness as an excuse to shut other people out. But I need other people, even if they bug me sometimes. Even when they leave their dirty dishes in the sink, play music until late at night and early in the morning, leave their dirty clothes around the room, make snide comments, constantly ask me for things, or just are always there. I need these people because they have something that I don't. They have gifts that I will never have. But at the same time, I think I realize that other people need me. I have gifts that no one else has.

Another thing I realizes this past weekend was just that I need to be more willing to ask the hard questions of people. After each time the speaker spoke we would go back to the room and have cabin time to talk about what he said. Mike led most of the discussion and I was just simply amazed at his ability to ask these kids the tough questions. I think so often our culture shys away from these taboo questions because they're not polite. The kids didn't seem affronted, though. They were actually really into trying to answer them and learning more about what Mike had to offer as answers. It was truly amazing to watch. I also realized that there are kids out there who just don't know the stories. It was great to hear how they responded to hearing the speaker tell the Bible stories that I am so familiar with and they are hearing for the first time. That just reinforces something that I had been trying to wrestle with earlier. I am in charge of next month's youth group devotional time and I really felt it on my heart just to tell the old familiar Bible stories in a new light. I was skeptical of how it would be received or what the kids might think, but now I feel like this is the direction I need to take. What that exactly will look like I'm not sure yet, but I am sure that God will continue to guide me if I allow Him to.

The best moment of this weekend, though, was when one of the kids was walking beside me after the twenty minutes of prayer time that the program offered as a sort of "altar call" time and he looked up at me and said "I think tonight was the first time I'm actually a Christian." What a beautiful moment. We talked a little about what this meant, but we were cut short. I want to make sure I catch up with him this week sometime and continue to answer any questions or talk about any fears he might have. What a beautiful moment. What an amazing God we have.

Are you ready for Mud?

So it's been quite awhile since I've updated and I've heard plenty of nagging about it from all sorts of ends. Nothing really new and exciting since last post, but I am pretty excited about this weekend. I'm chaperoning the Middle School weekend retreat up at Laurelville. This is my first real opportunity to connect with some of the kids and spend some good quality time getting to know them. Oh, and I get to tackle them into the mud if they get too much for me (who am I kidding? I'll probably spend more time on the ground than anyone else). My supervisor tried to tell me at one point that since there are so few kids going this year that he could see sending just me in his place. I told him that wasn't going to happen. At least not this time. He said he might let me do that with the High School retreat in a few weeks and he will be a head counselor. I guess we'll just see how this weekend goes.
The other thing that is pretty exciting is the fact that Mike is letting me do the devotions for the month of November at Youth Group. I'm pretty nervous just because I'm not sure what has been done in the past or generally how that part of Youth Group works. So far I've always been out leading the game while that is going on. Right now I'm leaning toward doing a series of Biblical Leadership by looking at some of the Old Testament stories and seeing what we can learn from people like Moses, Jonah, Nehemiah, and so on. Mike said he wants me to incorporate some kind of media just so it's not me talking for thirty minutes. I think I could find relevant movie clips to go along with each stories lesson. On top of that, he also said it would be good to get some of the older kids involved, which is something that really excites me just because I know the deepest experiences I've had were when I was leading my peers. I haven't completely worked it out in my head, but I have two weeks to get something concrete.
On a related note, next Wednesday is Halloween and in an attempt to bribe kids to actually come to Youth Group we are having a Guitar Hero III tournament, all the candy you can eat, probably pizza, and anything else to get kids to come. I'm thinking it should be a good internship next Wednesday.
Well, kids are starting to show up. Bring on the mud!

A little time to relax

I'm sure everyone has been on the edges of their seats since my last post was over a week ago. A lot has happened, and I could say that I didn't have any time to write, but that just wouldn't be true. It was almost like there was too much to update that every time I thought about writing it just seemed like a daunting task. I'll try to catch everyone up:

I'll start out with my "traumatic" experience. Last Friday the youth group was serving the men's shelter dinner and I "worked" all day (to be fair Mike and I just hung out and killed time all day until the kids got there) so it was already a really long day. Everything was going really well at the shelter. We tried to encourage the kids to go talk with the men, but I think I was the only person who actually went and sat down with them. I was lucky, though, because I sat down with a gentleman who really wanted to talk. Thinking back he seems like the stereotypical conspiracy theory the-world-is-out-to-get-me sort of guy, but when I think about our conversation he did make some really good points. He talked some about his time in prison (he robbed a bank...twice...except he referred to it as acquiring loans without the proper paperwork) and it really correlated with a book we were reading for class about the inhumanity of the prison system. That part of the evening went well. Then when the group was leaving the shelter, I was walking toward the back of the group. I hear one of the guys that were in eating with us asking one of the youth group girls to come help him unlock his car door because he had locked his keys in and left the window open a crack. Even though I recognized this man as someone who seemed to be in charge of the shelter in some position, my immediate reaction was that this was a bad situation and I needed to make sure I protected the girl. I told the girl and the man that we really needed to keep going and that I was sorry and good luck with his car but we really had to keep moving. I felt good about the decision after we got out of there. When we got back to the church, though, I was going to get in my car and up pulls the car the man was trying to get in to and out he steps. He starts walking toward me and I just knew it wasn't going to be good. Thankfully my supervisor hadn't left the lot yet and made sure I was ok from his car before leaving. The man wasn't out to hurt me or anything, he just wanted to talk to me. To me, it felt like he was just trying to make me feel guilty by making the whole issue into a racial thing (he was black) and saying how unChristian my action had been. I tried to explain to him my perspective, and I stayed cool the entire time I talked with him, but I eventually just had to say that I was sorry he felt that way and leave. Honestly, the entire ordeal tore me up inside simply because it brought me face to face with any racism I might hold inside myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I acted in any way that I would deem racist, but it forced me to check myself to make sure. And that's hard. I thought, what if the girl wasn't really uncomfortable with the situation and I was just projecting my discomfort onto her? If the man had been white, would I have taken the same action? Like I said, he forced me to look at myself, but I still feel good about what I did. I talked to Mike about it today, and he agreed with me and we had some good dialogue about situations like that and how sometimes you just become helpless but you just have to make sure your motives are clear and do the best you know how.

Now I'll move on to the good. The first Student Leadership Team meeting was last Sunday and it went pretty well. I was really impressed by the kids and the initiative they showed. I didn't really do anything at the meeting, but afterwards the kids reminded Mike that he promised them lunch, but he had things to do so he asked me if I would take them out. I jumped at the chance (without seeming too eager). I've never really gotten a good chance to spend any good quality time with the youth yet and I just knew this would be a great opportunity. It was. We went to a Chinese Buffet and we had some great conversation. They taught me a bunch of new street lingo, which gang signs to flash in which neighborhoods (though I think they were trying to get me killed at one point), and they even tried to teach me some dance that all the kids are doing now. I think I am definitely starting to understand my own style of leadership through this experience. I look at a lot of youth workers who are practically kids themselves and are always getting down and dirty with their kids. I'm not that person. I have this growing understanding that I am a one-on-one person who's strength lies more in getting to know people on deeper levels. It's tempting to look at these other youth leaders and think that they are who I am supposed to be, but I know it takes all kinds. We all have something to offer, some hope, some light wrapped up inside of us that no one else has. I know God can use me.

Other than that, the week has been pretty much the same. I led the games at youth group again. I tried to do a team-building game that completely died on me. It's all a learning experience. I was able to salvage what kids I had left with another game. I went out to have a one-on-one meeting with Mike today over breakfast. We talked about my goals for the internship and about his model of ministry he learned at an Urban Youth Worker training. At first I got the impression when I kept hearing him talk about this training that it was one of those cheesy faith seminars that promise you a better life, healthier kids, and whiter teeth. The more he explained it, though, it really seems like a solid model for setting life goals and learning to use your resources, time, and talents. I'm sure I'll hear more about it as the year goes on. The music festival is tomorrow and I'm pretty excited about it because I finally feel like I'm starting to make contributions to the praise team. And they're all good people.

The coffee shop is getting ready to start closing down, so I better go. Hopefully it won't be too long before my next post.

peace

Root Beer Keg Party

So, this past weekend was the root beer keg party at Bluffton. Last year was such a rocking good time that I just knew I had to attend this year as well. It was quite a drive and I was only able to make a brief appearance for this one picture, but it was worth it. Some people, including the people in the picture may try to tell you that they didn't see me there, but surely this picture is proof enough. How could I live with myself if I had missed one of my favorite Bluffton events of the year.

peace,
mark