Winding Down

(I know this was awhile ago, butI wanted to at least post one picture from my experience. This is the group picture we took at the Middle School retreat)

I'm not going to lie: I am pretty much coasting through the rest of the semester. The only actual "work" I have to do in these next few weeks is write an 8 page paper, but it's very reflective and open-ended so I'm not even worried about it. Things I have to look forward to: my last two Youth Groups, my last two Sunday Schools, LIGHT UP NIGHT (more to come on that), Judah Project recitals, internship fieldtrips, probably some more guitar hero, two more great FNC dinners, and a week off with no class.

This Saturday is LIGHT UP NIGHT at Easminster. I feel like people have been talking about this even since I arrived in August. From the sound of it, though, it should live up to its reputation. First of all, we get to shut down Highland Avenue and throw a parade complete with the procession of the live nativity including Wise Men with CAMELS!!!, bagpipers, high-steppers, and who knows what else. Once the parade is over there are free horse-drawn carriage rides, tons of free cookies, hot-dogs, Christmas caroling, the live nativity, and an adaption of A Christmas Carol put on by people in the church. I had thought they might ask me to be a Wise Man (which would mean I would get to play with the camels), but alas I apparently didn't make the cut. I will get to do Christmas caroling with the praise band and help with the Youth Group Booth. I've been told that hundreds and hundreds of people come out for this every year and a bunch of the church's members found their way to Eastminster simply because they had a good time at this event. I'm mega pumped.

It is bittersweet, though, because I'm starting to realize that I only have so much time left with these people that have become my family. There is this little old black lady who serves as assistant secretary for the church who I always talk to whenever I come down to make copies. The other day I walked in and talked to her for awhile, and she showed me that in the front of her devotional book in blue permanent marker she had written "Mark" because she has a hard time remembering my name. How cute is that? I told her that I would be leaving in two weeks and she just kind of looked at me, visibly upset. Not many people in the church seem to realize that I'm only here for the semester, and when I tell them I really feel like it breaks both our hearts to think of me leaving. I guess I will just have to rest in the fact of knowing that I will always have a home in Pittsburgh.

Gear shift: I have resolved to push myself to do a triathlon. I already love to swim and run, so adding biking seems like the next step. The thing is, I haven't owned a bike since middle school. At first I looked into how much it would cost for me to get a decent but not fancy bike so I could do the race. That got discouraging simply because I didn't want to throw that much money into something I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. But I talked to my uncle at Thanksgiving who has done some major biking events and he said that he would let me borrow his old bike and give me some tips if I wanted. (I also found out that he and everyone else in my extended family read this blog, so I guess this is my way of letting him know that I'd like to take him up on his offer.) I looked up races in Ohio and found on in Sylvania on August 10th. That will be perfect for me to train all summer at camp. It just feels good to focus my energy toward something instead of just aimlessly floating through life.

"It seems to me that one ought to rejoice in the fact of death--ought to decide, indeed, to earn one's death by confronting with passion the conundrum of life." (from James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time)

Life as a Jungle-Gym

I survived.

As soon as we got there and Mike went to register us (leaving me with the kids) I found myself hoisted into the air by our guys. It really wasn't that bad other than they set me down on my head. Actually the weekend was not completely as oriented around hurting me as I thought it might be. To be honest I did get hurt pretty bad the first night, but disappointingly enough it was my own fault. We were doing a scavenger hunt around the camp in the dark and our group was running to find the first clue. We had to go up this road that led up the mountain, so I wasn't too worried about it being dark because I could see the road and figured I wouldn't have to watch out for anything. So I was showing my prowess at running and I pulled ahead of the group a little ways. Mind you, I was running at pretty much full capacity up this hill with the kids when all of a sudden I find myself writhing in pain on the ground. Apparently they wanted to keep cars from driving up this path so they put a low lying chain across the pavement. I did not see it at all, so when it caught me right under the kneecaps and I landed knee first on the pavement it came as a total shock. I honestly didn't want to get up for a good 3 or 4 minutes it hurt so badly. All this happened within the first 4 hours of the weekend, so I was in mild pain the rest of the time there.

Of course this didn't deter them from trying to beat on me the rest of the weekend. I tried my best to test the pacifist ideal by not fighting back at all (which really, all they're looking for is a reaction), and I think that really helped keep it to a minimum. At one point during Club (where they have music, skits, and the speaker) they started a quasi-mosh pit during one of the praise songs. Before I knew what was happening I was surrounded by our group and they were all grabbing onto me. "On three, jump" they told me, so I thought "ok, this shouldn't be too bad." To be fair, it didn't end up being that "bad" but it was one of the scarier moments of the weekend when I found myself about 15 feet in the air not sure how I was supposed to land without killing someone or myself. (Don't get me wrong, these kids are not the spawn of Satan like I'm making them out to be. That's just how they have fun, and I spent the weekend learning how to live in their world.)

As a whole, although I survived, the weekend was somewhat frustrating for me. It was frustrating in the sense that I see a lot of potential in all of our kids, but that potential just seemed like it was in hiding the whole weekend. I grew up in a youth program tradition that was very oriented around student leadership. I was one of those student leaders. I wrestled with being a positive role model. I thought about what it meant to be a servant leader and sacrifice part of myself to make sure others were having good experiences. I just didn't see that at all this weekend. I spent most of my time with the guys, so I can't really speak for the girls, but the guys that I sensed could be great leaders seemed to just float through the weekend without even pushing themselves let alone pushing others to take seriously the message that was presented. The ones I could see being excellent leaders who could influence the tone of the entire group either a) spent all their time using their influence to become the center of attention and distract everyone else from anything worthwhile or b) spent all their time hiding behind the group "a" kids without taking the risk of stepping up.

It was just really frustrating because I've come to realize that there is an element to youth ministry that not even the best youth ministers can force on the group because it has to come from within the group itself. I think one of the most important jobs of the youth minister has to be empowering young people to be leaders among their peers. Mike has a "Student Leadership Team" set up, but I guess it's still in it's beginning stages. It's just so frustrating knowing that I can only take my influence and my example and my teachings so far.

The other frustrating part of the weekend was simply that I just didn't know what to say to the kids at some points. Now it wasn't that they were asking hard questions (well, that was sometimes part of it) but rather that I was just completely unprepared for what was coming out of their mouths. On the one hand I had part of the group saying things that I'm pretty sure a drunken sailor would think were inappropriate. I would tell them to stop, I would try to change the topic, I would try to explain the reasoning behind why they shouldn't talk that way, but nothing seemed to phase them. I wasn't sure what should be done in terms of discipline and Mike seemed just as frustrated but slightly more worn down by their vulgar talk.

People have asked me a couple times since I've been in Pittsburgh if I feel "called" to Urban Ministry. Up until this past weekend I've always responded with a non-committal I-don't-feel-strongly-either-way response. Now I'm not so sure. It's not that I don't have the patience, or the intellect to work with city kids, I'm just not sure I know how to reach them. I know I can't let one frustrating weekend get me down because in the end it was a fairly good time. I'm sick of thinking about it, though, so I will hopefully talk more about it with Mike on Wednesday. Until then I will just immerse myself in the story of Nehemiah and hope God speaks through me on Wednesday in ways that make sense to the kids.

Just small bumps

This week wasn't as stressful as the last one. The only bumps I had to get over this week were giving my second meditation at Youth Group and going to the High School retreat this weekend. My talk on Esther went pretty well. I keep going over so I am desperately trying to cut down my talks, but I'm not sure how to fit everything in that I want to say. It was really cool this last week to see the kids really paying attention to and getting involved in the story when I was telling it. To be fair, Esther is a pretty gripping story and I do my best to be a good story-teller and not pause or stop or mumble, but it was almost like I was looking out at a crowd watching a movie that they were totally into. Afterwards one of the high school girls sought me out to let me know that she really enjoys my talks so far. I guess she thinks they're interesting and likes that I try to break it down into different points. That was really a great moment for me. It really kind of makes me feel better about the whole going into ministry decision. When I was really young I wanted to be a writer and I always thought it was because I was a dork and read all the time, but I think now that it may have been because I love to tell stories.

Right now I'm just hanging out at the church until we leave for the weekend. All week long the rest of the staff has been telling me that they are going to be praying for me. I'm worried, but I'm not all that worried. Mike tried to tell me that my new name was "Jungle-gym" because the kids were going to be all over me (mind you, these are high-schoolers which is a little weird) but I just keep telling him that they're going to get bored when they realize they actually can take me down in under 3 seconds. Hopefully some of my more laid-back personality will rub off on these kids. If not, then hopefully I'll at least get a wicked cool looking scar from all the abuse I'm going to take.

There are times when I really miss Bluffton (ok, so that happens more often than not), but it is experiences like this weekend that make me realize that being in Pittsburgh is a once in a lifetime opportunity...unless they decide to throw money at me and bring me on full time. Mike keeps trying to convince me to come back for summer camp staff, but it would be a significant pay cut from my last two summers, plus I've invested so much of my sweat, blood, and tears into my own camp that it would be a shame to give it up. Who knows what God has in store though. One day at a time, though.

Pray for me this weekend.

Over the mountain

It's been awhile since I've updated, but that's because I feel like I've been trying to climb a mountain of stresses for the past week. This past Wednesday was my first go at giving the meditation for Youth Group. I ended up doing pretty much what I wanted to/have written about previously except I am not going to try to involve the Student Leadership Team. That would have been cool, but I'm not sure there would have been enough commitment from the kids. Plus, I thought that I was supposed to be speaking for 30 minutes, but after I got done with the first one he tells me that I was supposed to keep it around 20. Hey, if the Spirit moves me to ramble for ten more minutes, what's the problem. Anyway, the first talk went really well. The week leading up to it was really hard simply because I wanted to do well so badly that it was seriously all I could think about. I would lay in bed at night just going over how I was going to do this, or how I would say that, or where this part would come in better. It was actually a little unnerving. I spent a lot of time changing, rearranging, adding to, and cutting parts of the meditation right up until I gave it. I think it paid off, though. I was a little nervous about having the High School kids first because they are less apt to pay attention, but they were actually a better audience than the Middle School kids. They responded to my questions, laughed at my jokes, and best of all seemed contemplative when I was being serious. The only comments that Mike had to give me afterward were that it was a little too long, and I said the same thing a few too many times. Other than that, I think he was impressed. Now there's only three more to go.

Once I got that part of my mountain out of my head, I had to face yet another presentation the next day in class. The thing is, I couldn't focus on anything but Moses and the burning bush for the entire last week, so anything about this presentation just got pushed back. I got back from Youth Group on Wednesday night at about 9 and turned a few printed off articles, and a few powerpoint slides I had forced myself to start into a half hour (well, it ended up being too long) presentation by 1 o'clock the next morning. In the end, I thought I did a pretty good job. The assignment was to talk about a dilemma that the organization where we are interning has faced/will face. I chose to talk about what it means to be an intentionally cross-cultural church. I have always been intrigued by this part of Eastminster's vision statement. I wanted my presentation to be anything but usual, so I did my best to shake things up. I even made the class sing some gospel which went over better than I thought it would. I think the presentation lacked real "solutions" to the "dilemma", but I also concluded that there are no easy one-size-fits-all solutions to racial reconciliation within the church. I said at the end, that being intentional has to take on a case-by-case scenario because every congregation is different. A quote I found that I liked talked about how when we present the gospel to other people in their "heart language" we come to realize that our construct of reality is too small, our version of the gospel is incomplete. We cannot experience the fullness of God without understanding the fullness of other people's experiences.

Well, once I got over that hurdle, I decided to take a good long nap because I felt like I deserved it. Friday was pretty stress free. Mike and I took a roadtrip to Sam's Club to pick up snacks for the After School program. Roadtrips are always fun. I'm so thankful that I've been placed at an internship where I can feel comfortable just hanging out with my supervisor. It definitely makes life easier. Once I got back on Friday afternoon it was time to start focusing on the next hurdle. I was asked to fill in for the normal piano player for the praise band on Sunday. I was really nervous in the back of my mind all week simply because the normal guy is amazing, and a lot of the songs we do are completely new styles for me. We got the song list on Wednesday and since then, any chance I got I was trying to make sure I was ready. Then the Saturday morning rehearsal came and it was probably one of the worst musical experiences of my life. From the very first song it just felt like I couldn't do anything right. Even when I felt like I was doing the right thing it just sounded bad to me. I was trying to follow the sheet music Nikki gave me which went right with the CD's I had practiced with, but she didn't tell me that she wasn't going to be following the music and I was just expected to watch her and play the right thing. There were some many times when I wasn't even sure which key we were supposed to be in. And every time we had to stop I just felt like I kept getting looks from everyone like "what are you doing?" I was completely frustrated at Nikki for just expecting me to know what was going on and at myself for not being good enough or not practicing enough even though I felt like I was. The way that rehearsal went, it felt like it sounded like I hadn't practiced at all. I was nearly crying I was so frustrated at one point. I was supposed to stay afterward to observe the Children's choir, but I just had to get out of there. Added on to this was the fact that my parents were on their way and I wanted to show them that I was doing something productive with my life in Pittsburgh and coming to see me fumble through some praise songs didn't really fit that image in my head.

My parents got here that afternoon and I got to forget about all that for awhile. I showed them around the city, we went out for the early bird special (ha!), we visited Mt. Washington to see the lights, and then they headed back to their hotel. I came back and finally found enough resolve to stop being mad and frustrated and start trying to do something about me not being ready to play piano on Sunday. I practiced on the out-of-tune piano in the middle of an entire roomful of screaming kids here for the weekend for about an hour and a half. I had a better idea of what Nikki wanted now, but I still felt like I wasn't actually ready. The next morning I got to the church extra early and practiced even more. As I was sitting there waiting to start the first song during the service, I just decided to give all of it up to God. I didn't care about what Nikki or my parents or the congregation or the band or even myself thought. I just wanted to give my best effort to praise God with everything I had. It was only after that that I felt at peace about the situation and I was able to really play well. Granted, not everything was perfect, but I was giving it my all.

All I had left to do after that was entertain my parents for a few more hours. It was really nice to have a piece of home here for awhile. Even though we didn't really do anything except talk and eat, I was glad they came. I always try to be as happy as I can be where I'm at, so I don't really get homesick, but it's good to know that home gets Mark-sick and needs to visit every once in awhile. Well, like all the presentation I seem to give, this post is entirely too long. I need to go saturate myself in the story of Queen Esther before Wednesday rolls around again.

Making a small difference

Hawa, a 35-year-old mother of three, lives in the Vituka area in the city of Dar es Salaam. She sells both used and new clothes in the Vituka trading center. She also operates a restaurant alongside the shop. She received training in business and entrepreneurship from the Youth Self Employment Foundation, which has helped her expand her business.

Hawa requests a loan of $750 to purchase new and used clothing to sell in her shop.

Today I became a microfinance lender. I first heard about this organization from the speaker at Laurelville last weekend, and ever since then I have just been really intrigued by the entire idea of microfinance. I probably don't actually understand it, but here's what I think I know: People in poor countries cannot get loans from banks because they are high risk, they don't have capital to prove they can pay it back, they've never been to a bank before, etc. What microfinance is, then, is people making small loans to these people with little to no interest. There is a great website, http://www.kiva.org that connects regular people like me with regular people like Hawa Mohamed who have applied, been interviewed, and just need some money to build their business. The great thing about the whole process, though, is that there is only like a 3% chance that I won't get my money back. If I had just donated to charity I wouldn't have any real idea of where the money goes and no chance of getting it back. This way allows me to be actively involved in where I am investing my money, and there is that 97% chance that I will get my money back and be able to either withdraw it, or reinvest in someone else.

Now that I feel like I've totally confused everyone and even maybe myself, I just want to say that even though I feel like I'm over my head in college debt, I believe that God still calls us to give back. Maybe my parents who read this will think that I'm just throwing my money around and completely cut me off and I'll have to live on the street, but really it's just twenty-five dollars. There is a banner hanging up in the Pittsburgh Project that has a slogan that reads "The age of youth was made for heroic service and not for pleasure." As youth, yes I still consider myself slightly a youth, we have all this energy and potential. I want to use everything I have to create the heroic service that is needed in this world. I want to use my hands to do things for those who can't, my heart to love people who think they aren't worthy, my head to speak truth into people's lives that they can't discern themselves, and all of my assests to provide for people who cannot do it themselves. (I realize I was really close to being sued by 4H for stealing their idea, but I'll keep my "health" to myself for now...for those of you who don't understand that, go live in the country for awhile.)

I also want to finish by saying that I don't want to say these things to seem self-righteous, but more so that I can show people what I think is a great chance to make a difference. Maybe I'm wrong, but for now I'll trust that God can and will use my gifts in one way or another.

peace,
mark

The good, the bad, and the muddy

Well, I survived. All in all I'd say it was a really great weekend. There's so much that I've learned and grown from this weekend that I'm not really sure where to begin. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn't what I was used to. I come from a camping/retreat background that's very laid-back, chill out with the kids, and have fun, but Laurelville was a very high energy, going all the time, have fun with the kids experience. As soon as we pulled up, the program staff bombarded our van in costumes and started getting the kids pumped up and passed out candy. Thankfully the entire weekend wasn't steeped with that kind of energy because I'm not so sure I would've made it.

We dropped off the girls and then the guys headed out to find our rooms. It turned out that we had two rooms for 7 kids and two adults. Mike and I both staked out our rooms and let the kids come to us. At first I was really nervous/disappointed because the kids that I actually knew well and talked to all bee-lined straight for Mike's room. It's not that I was jealous, but it just made me nervous because it meant I would have to spend the weekend getting to know new kids. I guess I wanted to be pushed, right? Added on top of this was the fact that the rooms ended up being pretty racially segregated and I ended up with three black kids. Again, noticing this is not coming from a racist standpoint, but from a fact-of-life standpoint. Sure, that's going to make me nervous because I'm not sure how well I am going to be able to relate to these kids.

It turns out, though, that my fears were pretty unfounded. I actually have come to realize that Mike and I really balance each other out. He is the kind of person who is all about getting down and wrestling with the kids and getting them pumped about everything. I am the kind of person who tries to get to know the kids by talking to them and just hanging out. The guys in my room were pretty skeptical of the guys in the other room constantly jumping all over the place and wrestling and throwing the football around. At one point I tried to get my guys to go over and hang out with the other guys because it seemed like they were having all the fun, and they said to me "We're more mature than they are." So, my room was the chill room while Mike had the rough-play room. But then again I'm writing this and thinking that maybe I should have done more to make sure my guys had a good time. Maybe deep down they would have rather been more like the other room and they were really just being a reflection of me and my personality. It goes back to the principle of whether you are going to let yourself be a thermometer or a thermostat. Am I going to set the mood of the room, or just react to it. In the end, I think that like I said we had a good balance. If my guys wanted to go and wrestle around with the other guys they did, and at one point some of Mike's guys came and talked to me about some more serious stuff. And I did get to help Mike take on all 7 guys which was pretty sweet. But then again what happens at Laurelville stays at Laurelville.

The next day was the mud and the football. I tried to tell Mike and the guys that I had absolutely no football skills, but they didn't realize that I was being serious until I tried to catch a pass and it just hit me in the chest and bounced away. But, I played anyway. The counselors had a devotion one morning about trying to make sure the kids have an adventure rather than just a trip. Having an adventure at Laurelville meant getting muddy and playing football, and I was totally prepared to step out of my comfort zone to make sure that happened. When they did finally realize how bad I was, they gave me a quick tutorial on tackling and told me I was restricted to defense. I made one pretty good tackle (always fun to take down middle school kids into the mud) and we ended up winning the championship. I'm pretty excited that I will have a piece of that youth group history for forever.

I think I realized a lot about myself this past weekend even though I was there for the kids. Through coming to understand the balance that Mike and I had throughout the "adventure" my eyes were opened to the fact that I simply can't do it all by myself. I think that sometimes I try to use my introverted-ness as an excuse to shut other people out. But I need other people, even if they bug me sometimes. Even when they leave their dirty dishes in the sink, play music until late at night and early in the morning, leave their dirty clothes around the room, make snide comments, constantly ask me for things, or just are always there. I need these people because they have something that I don't. They have gifts that I will never have. But at the same time, I think I realize that other people need me. I have gifts that no one else has.

Another thing I realizes this past weekend was just that I need to be more willing to ask the hard questions of people. After each time the speaker spoke we would go back to the room and have cabin time to talk about what he said. Mike led most of the discussion and I was just simply amazed at his ability to ask these kids the tough questions. I think so often our culture shys away from these taboo questions because they're not polite. The kids didn't seem affronted, though. They were actually really into trying to answer them and learning more about what Mike had to offer as answers. It was truly amazing to watch. I also realized that there are kids out there who just don't know the stories. It was great to hear how they responded to hearing the speaker tell the Bible stories that I am so familiar with and they are hearing for the first time. That just reinforces something that I had been trying to wrestle with earlier. I am in charge of next month's youth group devotional time and I really felt it on my heart just to tell the old familiar Bible stories in a new light. I was skeptical of how it would be received or what the kids might think, but now I feel like this is the direction I need to take. What that exactly will look like I'm not sure yet, but I am sure that God will continue to guide me if I allow Him to.

The best moment of this weekend, though, was when one of the kids was walking beside me after the twenty minutes of prayer time that the program offered as a sort of "altar call" time and he looked up at me and said "I think tonight was the first time I'm actually a Christian." What a beautiful moment. We talked a little about what this meant, but we were cut short. I want to make sure I catch up with him this week sometime and continue to answer any questions or talk about any fears he might have. What a beautiful moment. What an amazing God we have.

Are you ready for Mud?

So it's been quite awhile since I've updated and I've heard plenty of nagging about it from all sorts of ends. Nothing really new and exciting since last post, but I am pretty excited about this weekend. I'm chaperoning the Middle School weekend retreat up at Laurelville. This is my first real opportunity to connect with some of the kids and spend some good quality time getting to know them. Oh, and I get to tackle them into the mud if they get too much for me (who am I kidding? I'll probably spend more time on the ground than anyone else). My supervisor tried to tell me at one point that since there are so few kids going this year that he could see sending just me in his place. I told him that wasn't going to happen. At least not this time. He said he might let me do that with the High School retreat in a few weeks and he will be a head counselor. I guess we'll just see how this weekend goes.
The other thing that is pretty exciting is the fact that Mike is letting me do the devotions for the month of November at Youth Group. I'm pretty nervous just because I'm not sure what has been done in the past or generally how that part of Youth Group works. So far I've always been out leading the game while that is going on. Right now I'm leaning toward doing a series of Biblical Leadership by looking at some of the Old Testament stories and seeing what we can learn from people like Moses, Jonah, Nehemiah, and so on. Mike said he wants me to incorporate some kind of media just so it's not me talking for thirty minutes. I think I could find relevant movie clips to go along with each stories lesson. On top of that, he also said it would be good to get some of the older kids involved, which is something that really excites me just because I know the deepest experiences I've had were when I was leading my peers. I haven't completely worked it out in my head, but I have two weeks to get something concrete.
On a related note, next Wednesday is Halloween and in an attempt to bribe kids to actually come to Youth Group we are having a Guitar Hero III tournament, all the candy you can eat, probably pizza, and anything else to get kids to come. I'm thinking it should be a good internship next Wednesday.
Well, kids are starting to show up. Bring on the mud!

A little time to relax

I'm sure everyone has been on the edges of their seats since my last post was over a week ago. A lot has happened, and I could say that I didn't have any time to write, but that just wouldn't be true. It was almost like there was too much to update that every time I thought about writing it just seemed like a daunting task. I'll try to catch everyone up:

I'll start out with my "traumatic" experience. Last Friday the youth group was serving the men's shelter dinner and I "worked" all day (to be fair Mike and I just hung out and killed time all day until the kids got there) so it was already a really long day. Everything was going really well at the shelter. We tried to encourage the kids to go talk with the men, but I think I was the only person who actually went and sat down with them. I was lucky, though, because I sat down with a gentleman who really wanted to talk. Thinking back he seems like the stereotypical conspiracy theory the-world-is-out-to-get-me sort of guy, but when I think about our conversation he did make some really good points. He talked some about his time in prison (he robbed a bank...twice...except he referred to it as acquiring loans without the proper paperwork) and it really correlated with a book we were reading for class about the inhumanity of the prison system. That part of the evening went well. Then when the group was leaving the shelter, I was walking toward the back of the group. I hear one of the guys that were in eating with us asking one of the youth group girls to come help him unlock his car door because he had locked his keys in and left the window open a crack. Even though I recognized this man as someone who seemed to be in charge of the shelter in some position, my immediate reaction was that this was a bad situation and I needed to make sure I protected the girl. I told the girl and the man that we really needed to keep going and that I was sorry and good luck with his car but we really had to keep moving. I felt good about the decision after we got out of there. When we got back to the church, though, I was going to get in my car and up pulls the car the man was trying to get in to and out he steps. He starts walking toward me and I just knew it wasn't going to be good. Thankfully my supervisor hadn't left the lot yet and made sure I was ok from his car before leaving. The man wasn't out to hurt me or anything, he just wanted to talk to me. To me, it felt like he was just trying to make me feel guilty by making the whole issue into a racial thing (he was black) and saying how unChristian my action had been. I tried to explain to him my perspective, and I stayed cool the entire time I talked with him, but I eventually just had to say that I was sorry he felt that way and leave. Honestly, the entire ordeal tore me up inside simply because it brought me face to face with any racism I might hold inside myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I acted in any way that I would deem racist, but it forced me to check myself to make sure. And that's hard. I thought, what if the girl wasn't really uncomfortable with the situation and I was just projecting my discomfort onto her? If the man had been white, would I have taken the same action? Like I said, he forced me to look at myself, but I still feel good about what I did. I talked to Mike about it today, and he agreed with me and we had some good dialogue about situations like that and how sometimes you just become helpless but you just have to make sure your motives are clear and do the best you know how.

Now I'll move on to the good. The first Student Leadership Team meeting was last Sunday and it went pretty well. I was really impressed by the kids and the initiative they showed. I didn't really do anything at the meeting, but afterwards the kids reminded Mike that he promised them lunch, but he had things to do so he asked me if I would take them out. I jumped at the chance (without seeming too eager). I've never really gotten a good chance to spend any good quality time with the youth yet and I just knew this would be a great opportunity. It was. We went to a Chinese Buffet and we had some great conversation. They taught me a bunch of new street lingo, which gang signs to flash in which neighborhoods (though I think they were trying to get me killed at one point), and they even tried to teach me some dance that all the kids are doing now. I think I am definitely starting to understand my own style of leadership through this experience. I look at a lot of youth workers who are practically kids themselves and are always getting down and dirty with their kids. I'm not that person. I have this growing understanding that I am a one-on-one person who's strength lies more in getting to know people on deeper levels. It's tempting to look at these other youth leaders and think that they are who I am supposed to be, but I know it takes all kinds. We all have something to offer, some hope, some light wrapped up inside of us that no one else has. I know God can use me.

Other than that, the week has been pretty much the same. I led the games at youth group again. I tried to do a team-building game that completely died on me. It's all a learning experience. I was able to salvage what kids I had left with another game. I went out to have a one-on-one meeting with Mike today over breakfast. We talked about my goals for the internship and about his model of ministry he learned at an Urban Youth Worker training. At first I got the impression when I kept hearing him talk about this training that it was one of those cheesy faith seminars that promise you a better life, healthier kids, and whiter teeth. The more he explained it, though, it really seems like a solid model for setting life goals and learning to use your resources, time, and talents. I'm sure I'll hear more about it as the year goes on. The music festival is tomorrow and I'm pretty excited about it because I finally feel like I'm starting to make contributions to the praise team. And they're all good people.

The coffee shop is getting ready to start closing down, so I better go. Hopefully it won't be too long before my next post.

peace

Root Beer Keg Party

So, this past weekend was the root beer keg party at Bluffton. Last year was such a rocking good time that I just knew I had to attend this year as well. It was quite a drive and I was only able to make a brief appearance for this one picture, but it was worth it. Some people, including the people in the picture may try to tell you that they didn't see me there, but surely this picture is proof enough. How could I live with myself if I had missed one of my favorite Bluffton events of the year.

peace,
mark

Friday Again

It seems like Friday comes around faster every week, but here it is again and yet again I find myself missing my friends back at Bluffton. Don't get me wrong, there are great people here at the Project, but it seems like I just really started to get close with my Bluffton friends and then we have to take a semester away from each other. And then I hear about things happening at Bluffton that I just wish I could be there for my friends. And I've only gotten to see my two month old niece once since she was born. I never really get "homesick" like other people do, but I do just wish that I could have the best of all worlds. I wish I could have my Pittsburgh cake and eat it at home too.

Now I feel like I should put in a paragraph about how much I love Pittsburgh just to even things out. For part of my internship today my supervisor had to "train" me at playing Guitar Hero. Oh to live the life of a youth minister. I did pretty well, but I do lack the ability to actually physically rock out while playing. It throws me off. On Wednesday I led the groups in the game portion of the night. When I got there Wednesday afternoon Mike just asked me what game we were playing in the very sink-or-swim fashion that he is so good at. I ended up picking a game where the kids try to pop balloons tied to other peoples ankles with string. It was a good time; I just wish I had more balloons to play more. The middle schoolers did really well, but the high school kids were just loud and didn't want to pay attention. I tried the whole wait-obnoxiously-until-everyone-is-quiet philosophy but that just gave the kids the impression that we weren't doing anything so they could talk. I ended doing a lot of yelling (not at the kids, just toward them) which is probably the opposite of how it should have happened. Sink or swim baby, sink or swim. I'd say I at least doggy paddled.

For class we had to read a book about Hasidic Judaism to better understand the religious make-up of Pittsburgh. The book itself was somewhat dry at times, but it was interesting to learn about a whole other culture that I had no idea existed. I think a lot of Christians have this immediate instinct when they hear about Jews to just write them off because they just don't get it. Aside from the whole Christ thing (which happens to, in my opinion, be a big thing) the Hasidic Jews seems to have a lot to teach people. The term "hasidic" actually comes from the Hebrew word meaning "pious" and their whole philosophy revolves around getting back to a Judaism that actively pursues the commandments set forth by God rather than trying to inculturate themselves. We had a really interesting discussion in class about separationism in regards to religious beliefs. Personally I think the Hasidic Jews took things too far in that they restricted themselves from seeing the presence of God in things that didn't belong to "their world". But, on the other hand, I admired their devotion to their beliefs. I think that sometimes Christians have allowed themselves to become too incultured to the point where nothing makes us uncomfortable. We watch tv shows, we see movies, we listen to music that relies on vulgar, obscene, lewd, and even mildly pornographic media to get their points across and we don't even flinch. Nothing makes us uncomfortable anymore and that scares me a little. In the book one of the author talks about how Jewish woman have to cover their elbows and other seemingly unnecessary spots because it might tempt the men. She then quotes one of the Jewish boys saying that he finds women's elbows and ankles and the like attractive and the only reason that most people don't anymore is because society has pushed the envelope too far in what does and doesn't make us uncomfortable. I don't pretend to know how far is too far, but I do want to make a more conscious effort to become aware of what I think should make me uncomfortable being around. I could probably ramble about this all day, but I think everyone has had just about enough of the Jews for one Friday night.

I have been thinking about doing an Honors Project. It was recommended to me last year when I told the music faculty that I felt like I wasn't being challenged. It's true, that things like academics just come easy to me and I've never really had to try for any of my grades. I feel like this could be a great opportunity to push myself into learning about something that I actually care about, but another part of me is screaming at myself for even thinking of doing extra work for "fun". If I did it, I would probably do the topic on something like this (I've been thinking about this a lot): "Higher Ground: Exploring the Integration of Worship Music from the Ancient to the Modern". Or something like that. I would want it to be more than just the boring argument between sacred and contemporary worship music. I've spent my life immersed in both styles now and I have come to find beauty in everything from Gregorian chant to the latest David Crowder Band song. I want to explore how/if we can bring together the best elements of everything and learn from the past while pushing toward the future. See why I'm scared of attacking something so ambitious? I think that if I could pull this off that it would be one of the highlights of my life. Dag, that's a lot of work though. And, if I want to do this I should probably start formulating ideas now so I can be ready by the end of next year. Talk about fear of commitment. I think everyone has had enough of worship music for a Friday night.

Peace.

Settling In

A lot seems to have happened since my "day of rest" when I last posted. I'm starting to realize that I've already been here for almost 4 weeks, and it's already starting to settle in that I will have to leave the people I've met in about 11 weeks. Ok, so now that I actually did the math, 11 weeks seems like a lot longer than I originally thought. I feel better. Now that I think about it, it's more of a different kind of settling in. I think I'm just now starting to feel at home here. It must have taken those four weeks to get a routine down to the point where things seem comfortable, but then again that might be a bad thing because comfort is the antithesis of change. My whole purpose for doing this experience was to push myself to grow. I wanted to leave here feeling like I have tested my abilities, pushed myself farther than I ever have, and hopefully seen what I am actually capable of. I don't ever just want to be comfortable.

So, before this post takes on an even more unnecessarily insightful tone, I think I will switch back to update mode: We had praise band rehearsal again today, and I am happy to say that I am really excited about singing with this group tomorrow. Last time I rehearsed with the group I felt completely overwhelmed and under-prepared. Today was much more laid-back. It really helped that there was another guy singing my part with me who was able to tell me what I should be doing. I think before I was also afraid to just ask questions when I didn't know what I was supposed to be singing. At one point during rehearsal today the sound guy even said that he had to admit that we sounded amazing. Not only am I learning new styles and new songs, I think that Nikki, the music minster, is really giving me a good example of what it means to give God the glory through music. She is always reminding us that it is not about us or performing, but it is about pointing people toward something higher. I think I've also been struck by the fact that she wants the music to sound as good as it can, but more than anything else, she just wants to make sure that our hearts are sincere. I know that I am going to learn a lot from this internship with her even if most of my active work involved backstage administrative tasks.

Speaking of great internships, last Wednesday was exhausting but one of the best days of the semester so far. Even though I'm doing a lot of administrative work which sounds boring I am glad that between my two supervisors they keep me busy the whole time. So, I did a lot of that sort of stuff throughout the day, but then the afternoon was spent preparing for and running the first youth group of the year. I'm starting to learn that youth ministry involves a lot of random tasks. We "tested out" the skiball machine for a good twenty minutes to make sure it was working. I also got to put up more holds for the rock climbing wall and of course we had to try it out for a good fifteen minutes. Then the kids started to come. I was pretty nervous just because I felt like Sunday School hadn't gone so well for me. I wasn't sure if I was going to get introduced this time so I just did my best to meet as many kids as I could however awkward that turned out to be. I showed a few kids what was up at the ping pong table. It's a good thing that Middle School kids are right at my skill level. I did finally get introduced formally along with the other leaders. I think that helped me not to feel like just some creepy guy wandering around the youth room. Throughout the night we ate some food, listened to Mike give a devotion and played some volleyball. All in all I think it was a great time. I'm excited about the possibility of becoming even more involved. Mike has told me that he wants me to eventually do everything that he does like leading games, giving devotionals, etc. I'm starting to feel comfortable, but I know that I am ready to start pushing myself.

Tonight I had to attend a traditionally African American church service. It was interesting and powerful to say the least. We were there for nearly two hours, but it honestly didn't feel that long. I was truly impressed with the welcoming spirit, the powerful music, and the inspiring message. I thought going in that it would be weird being white and attending a predominantly black church service, but the only weirdness I felt was when they made the visitors stand so they could pray over us. Even that in all it's awkwardness was a very nice gesture on their part. The service as a whole almost makes me reevaluate my own church-going traditions. Why isn't there more Spirit and power in the serviced I usually attend? Why don't people respond to the worship in my home churches? Why don't I see a large number of people taking vigorous notes and making marks in their Bibles when my preacher preaches? It seems like in people's minds this sort of behavior is limited only to black people and their traditions. Personally I think they're on to something here that we should all share in. If nothing else it does make for a good laugh trying to picture that scene at my home church. Ha!

A day of rest

Because I "work" on Sundays and Saturdays I get to have all day Monday off. It's really nice to be alone for awhile. That's one of the things that I have definitely had to adjust to being here in Pittsburgh. Back at Bluffton last year I had my own room as an RA. I think I just got a little too used to have my own space and being able to kick people out of my room if they started to annoy me. It's weird to think that I chose to get a room with two other people back at Bluffton. It's a delicate balance. When I was living alone as an RA I felt like I was missing out on some of the great college roommate things. Now I will have an overabundance of roommate. Living in here at the project for the semester has given me a little taste of what that will be like. Here's what I've learned so far:

-dirty clothes start to smell like death if left unattended for too long
-other people put random things in the refrigerator and forget about them
-no matter how much fun other people think their ringtones are, you will eventually learn to hate them
-there's never a bad time to have a dance party
-some people can magically function on a ridiculously fewer number hours of sleep than you

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have learned to take advantage of my Mondays alone.
The student ministries at my internship is finally starting up. This past Sunday was their first Sunday School time. They have their program set up way differently than my home church. Honestly it hardly feels like they have Sunday School at all. It's only about 25-30 minutes of quick bible lesson and prayer. Oh, and donuts too. It's never really Sunday School without the donuts and generic pink juice. For my first week I don't think I did very well. I think Mike was operating under the sink or swim philosophy where I was supposed to make my own presence known and introduce myself to every kid there by the end of the half hour. If this was true, then I probably sank rather than swam. It was weird for me not to be introduced by anyone to anyone. I think the kids all thought I was some creepy guy hanging around the youth room. At least it can only go uphill from here. I'm sure it's all a learning experience.

A Real Intern Now

Today seems like it was my first real day of my internship. By that I mean I actually had to do real work. I think I'll go to sleep tonight still thinking "Hi, this is Mark from Eastminster calling on behalf of Nikki Porter and the Judah Project." It was really hard for me at first to make so many phonecalls. First of all, I didn't really know enough about the program to answer anyone's questions, and second of all I just simply hate talking on the phone. They, as in my supervisors, assure me that phone calling is an important part of exploring ministry. As long as I don't have to be good at it, that's fine. I think there was more than one occassion where I didn't know whether a name was a male or female name and fumbled awkwardly to come up with a non-gender specific term.

Now I'm just hanging out at the church until the youth leader meeting. It's kind of nice that I'm such a big deal here. I have my own phone extension, they gave me keys, and I have access to a computer. Plus there's always the rock climbing wall right outside the office. I'm pretty sure that's the trump card against everyone else.

One of the biggest challenges of the Pittsburgh Semester is probably going to be cooking for myself. Don't get me wrong, I love to cook, but the fact that I actually have to plan and make time for meals is really draining. It really makes me appreciate my mother a whole lot more. (She may be reading this.) Plus, I have to live off $240 a month. I caculated that out to about $4.50 a meal since they provide breakfast foods. I started fasting once a week this summer too so it really come out to about $5 a meal in the end. Sure, that's enough for a decent fast food meal, but I can't eat that every day. I did run about five miles the other because I got lost and didn't want to stop and walk in a neighborhood I wasn't familiar with, but I would have to do that every day if I ate that much MikkieD's.

I actually have something to do now, so I'll end here. Peace, Mark

Just Like Friends

So I've always watched the TV show Friends and seen them waste all their time at that coffee shop. Now I am one of those people. I had to get out of the Project so I could read so I decided to head down to the local coffee shop and just hang out for awhile. I'm sure you can tell I'm putting off the reading, though, but who can pass up free Wifi right?

Back at Bluffton it seemed like the only "cross cultural" experience I had living on campus was seein the weird things that people put on their cottage cheese. (I'm a sugar man myself.) But now that I'm here in Pittsburgh where there's always something going on I feel like I've got culture coming out my ears. First it was the ethnic restaurants. Then it was the weird music my roommate listens to. Now before coming to hang out here at the coffee shop I stopped by a Jazz/Poetry festival. You can't see it right now, but I'm snapping my fingers in approval of myself. I think the thing I've realized by experiencing all this so far is that it's important to try things, but that doesn't mean you have to like them. You can take the Bluffton boy out of Bluffton, but you can't take the Bluffton out of the Bluffton boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm really glad I've started to experience new things, but that doesn't mean I'm going to like them. I appreciate the fact that other people like these "cultural" things. Who knows, maybe I'll try something completely off the wall and love it. I suppose that's what a cross cultural experience is all about.

My internship is going really well. On both Wednesday and then Friday morning I spent most of the day with Mike, the youth pastor. We get along really well and I really feel like he's trying hard to be my Yoda. The other day he explained a model of ministry that he has found helpful to him in thinking about how he runs his program. It's just stuff like that where he takes the time to really teach me the things he has learned that make me realize how great this internship will be for me. On the other hand, though, I atteneded my first praise band practice today and I was just blown away by how out of my league I felt. I really admire Nikki, the music minster's, leadership and knowledge of everything related to leading worship, but it is completely unlike anything I've experienced before. I felt really bad because she has me singing with the group and I was completely lost most of the time. Added on to that is the fact that I am getting horribly sick. It's not to the point where I don't think I can add anything to the group, but I just wonder where the bad outweighs the good. If nothing else I know I will leave with a much bigger appreciation for gospel music. It was weird when one of the songs we were doing was a song I've sang in Chapel or SMW a hundred times and I was the only band member who knew it. It also did make me realize how simple some non-gospel praise and worhsip songs can be. With the gospel songs it seems like there is always at least three parts. I think this is one of those "cultural" things that I will leave Pittsburgh really liking. I just hope I can get a better grasp on it.

Some friends from Bluffton stopped by this weekend on their way to a wedding. It was really good to see at least some of the people I really miss back at Bluffton. I really hope I can make it back to B-town sometime this semester. I probably should start reading before it gets too late and the Benadryl I took starts to kick in.

A new, great city

Two entries in one week? That's absurd! Well, I guess that's what you get when you live in a place like Pittsburgh where there's always something going.

Yesterday they had a guy who went through the Pittsburgh Project's after school program (who is in college now) come and show us all around for a day on the town. They guys and the girls split up for the day with separate leaders. The girls went and did girly things like take a boat ride and eat at the Cheesecake Factory. The guys, on the other hand, we spent the day visiting the strip malls and lots of little stores along Carson Street. It was a good time. We ate at this college joint that had erroneously big portions of french fries. I was just glad to be eating American food again. The day before we had gone to an India restaurant where I actually ate authentic food instead of wimping out. It was ok, but I think I felt the after effects for two days straight. All good now.

Today I went to church at the place where I am intern-ing. It really made me even more excited to be working there. The worship as a whole really seemed to be very spirit-led and sincere. The music minister that I will be working with did an amazing job focusing everyone on praising God and just simply giving everything to Him through song. I think I will be able to learn a lot from her.

This afternoon we had a cookout at the house of one of the Pittsburgh Project employees. They are very culturally, environmentally, socially aware people. Really that's just a nice way of saying that they're very "hippie" (whatever that means minus the drugs). It was really cool to talk to them and learn about their experience working with the Project. They were both vegetarians, so we got to have mushroom burgers among other things. I ate half of the burger, but the rest of the homemade vegetarian friendly food was really good. Especially the homemade salsa.

Tonight we are going to go to an emerging church called The Open Door. Kyle interviewed there, and he told us all about how great he thinks it is. I'm excited to go. I just really like exploring different styles and ways of worship. Tomorrow is Labor Day and we don't have anything scheduled. I think we're going to all hang out as a group tonight since no one has to get up for anything. It's really interesting to see how people who, at Bluffton, wouldn't normally hang out or even hardly talk to each other are growing so close here in this place. That exploration of community is just another thing I love about living here. Hopefully we don't all start to gnaw at each other, but I guess that's what community is all about: learning to live amidst all our quirks and differences. Time to head off to the Open Door.

Peace.

A new city

When I made the decision to do the Pittsburgh Semester program I had very little idea about what I was getting into. I remember hearing Saleem, the founder of the Project, speak at Bluffton about the ideals behind his vision and being very taken with the entire thing, but I still didn't really know what to expect. Now that I am here, I believe that I can honestly say that it exceeds all of my expectations. I have been here now for three days, and those three days have been a whirlwind of activity and preparation for the semester. I've learned the bus systems, visited downtown, toured the neighborhood, learned a little about the history, and even tried some Cambodian food along the way. (Ok, so I wimped out and got something more Chinese than Cambodian.)

Something I'm really excited about is the fact that it seems like one of the guiding principles of the Semester Program centers around breaking down the fake walls that we build between things like school, work, what we do on our time off, or where we spend our money. I think we will spend a lot of time discussing things in our classes that we can apply to our work, or even use our experiences at our internships to further discussion in our classes. To me, that is what living a life that matter is all about.

On a more practical note, I had my interview for my internships over the last two days. I interviewed at two churches, both much larger than anything I am used to. But, that is the sort of experience that I was really looking for in order to contrast with what I already know. At both I would be working with the student ministry program with an emphasis on the music program. I ended up picking the internship at Eastminster Presbyterian where I interviewed today. I was really impressed with their programs and their spirit. It is the smaller of the two churches, so I'm really hopeful that will allow me to gain more hands on experience. It really moved me, also, that the very first thing the youth pastor I met with did was pray for our time together. I want to be a part of a place like this where emphasis is placed on things like prayer. I can't say that was the over arching factor for my decision, but it definitely influenced me. I'm happy with my decision and very excited to work at Eastminster.

It's also really nice to be in a program with students from other colleges. I guess the project is open to people from two other colleges besides Bluffton, but only Bluffton and Malone sent people. It is predominantly Bluffton people, but the people from Malone that I have met so far seem cool. They all seem like they will add a lot to the class conversations. We haven't had any classes yet, but it seems like I've already had tons of those deep, college-like conversations which makes me all the more excited for classes. That seems weird to say, but I think this experience will be what I've always hoped college to be.

But, this is all based on 3 days. Who knows what more may come? Stay tuned.